i was thinking that maybe i could just allow myself to go mad.
i was trying to have self control and to make sure everything i accepted in me
was good.
i am not talking about being toxic and have no respect
i am talking about letting it all out and stop trying for other's people sake.
i know i have always been alone.
i know that when i wait for someone to take me i am just left waiting.
i am saying maybe i can just accept me
and turn the lights of the lighthouse off.
stop making promises that hurt if i don't keep them
and hurt when i feel forced to keep.
stop thinking of the collective and start thinking about me
stop trying to be good
and just know that i am good.
just know that my selfish desires are everything for them.
stop trying to pick the perfect gift
stop trying to show gratitude
stop showing up when they need me.
start showing up for me
start feeling me
knowing that i am the god damn gift.

i no longer know how to go mad
i used to know, but not anymore.
it is the promise of unsafe situations what bind me
nobody wants a good girl that can't be corrupted
so i say this is over.
i am a pillar and pillars don't go about following rules.
the lights of my lighthouse are turned off
i will face the darkness
i'll stop asking for help
and when someone gives me a hand, i will not care if i grip at it too hard