Tuesday, September 29, 2015

clothes and relationships

a mild fever
sprained ankle that takes f o r e v e r to cure
headache
I can't sleep.
Can't control my thoughts
my actions suck.
I want to rely on people.

It is common to lose clothes in the washer. Sometime in between taking of your clothes, picking it up from wherever you dropped it, getting it into the hamper, separating it by color and quality of fabric, washing it, drying it, maybe iron it (I rarely go through that hassle.), folding it, putting it back in the drawer/ dresser/ hanger, somewhere in between that long never ending process items get lost. sometimes they come back. you find them in obvious places. Sometimes it takes months maybe even years. Yes, really, years. But sometimes they are just lost. Forever.
And you never get to know how it happened.

Where did you go? And how come I keep losing you? And why I won't forget you once I realize you are lost. I keep on longing. For a different past, a nicer present, a perfect future. Keep on longing for a letter from you.

Why do we feel attachment to things? To people? Why am I so obsessed? How come every time I go to a store without money I feel like I want it all but when I get there with money and the desire to buy it suddenly becomes this impossible task? Nothing fits quite right. And when I finally find an item, and buy it, the excitement wears out after a few days and then I realize I decided all wrong. This shoes are not right. It's too late, can't return them now. I'm stuck in this shoes.

It takes forever to know someone you feel right with. It takes forever. Looking back in past relationships, when I was most excited was when I didn't have this people, rather I had the illusion of maybe sometime soon having this person. Because when I do love someone that loves me, I am bound to think less of them.

I have been acting like a brat for the most of my life. Reckless, ungrateful, entitled. My whole third grade year I kept losing my jackets at school. My mom stopped buying them for me so I'd learn to take care of them. I never searched for them. I would just lose them and leave-it-at-that. I still do the leave-it-at-that, why bother searching? Because, who wants to be this person that goes crazy mad and loses time for material things?

When I lose a person I do go mad. I think they know it. I communicate it. But, its not like a relationship can be searched for once it is lost. Screaming begging crazy doesn't help. You just have to say 'thank you, goodbye'. I wish to know if there is a way to find you and never lose you. and never feel like you must be worth a little if you think I am worth a lot.

I have way too many shoes and not one pair is perfect. I keep on going to the wrong stores. When I know how a right store looks like. I know what I like yet I don't go for it. and when it comes to people, it is like, I am doing it all wrong.