Saturday, December 19, 2015

A Guide Out Of Self Help and into Love

Don't be sad or self defeating, there is no such thing as 'not good enough'
fact is fact and you are allowed to be stubborn. Don't change your feelings.
So what if you are mopey and programmed to being love struck?
Does the lightning really harm you?

I find myself picturing a future composed of repetitions of the present. and guess what? You are not in it. You are not here. I could hold on to my stupid notions that are not mine. I want a house in which I can trap you. You know I did think of getting pregnant just so maybe I could have you. That isn't me. Those were just silly notions that flought into my head that really meant 'gee, he is slipping from my grips.' Why would I want to own you? That is not me.
I am loose.

I see stupid people around me, everyday. Prudes, fakers, them. And I am like them. Stupid people that need to talk their shit out loud because they can't listen to silence. I think I know what love is. I think I know what kind of love I want to give. I don't want to own you. Fuck that.
but there is this hole that needs constant affirmation- so I gotta tell myself.

I need to make this love worth my while. I think I know what love is. I think I know what kind of love I want to give. I believe in magic and affirmation and tracing invisible lines. I believe in all for nothing, in what the hell. I believe in hanging up just to make the call again (with a different message this time). I believe in grand gestures and not giving a fuck if they stare. Let them. Allow yourself to actually say what you want to say. and if maybe there is no one who can really listen, tell it to yourself.

I can be wild and authentic. I am no mistake just a work in progress. And if any asshole wants to pin me down for yesterday's actions/words, what a silly mother fucker. Guess what? You can't pin me to anything. I am Huayrapamushka. NatchaKee Tawara. Love is the only reason.  Don't stop. Embrace yourself for that is the only thing that is truly yours, but hey, Give Yourself Away! Paint it pink and black and shed a bloodstream. If you must bleed, bleed in kisses agreement. Love will become you and you will be the answer. And you will get there. So don't wait.